So this will be a personal Blog. Since no one is around to stop me or care.
The idea of sewing or making art has left me right now. Jack passed in his sleep and it feels like the wind has rushed out of my life and now it is stale.
These are the last pictures we took together. About 2 weeks before.
I wonder if I will even feel okay again.
Part of me feels really guilty that I was out of town so much this summer. But I know I had to be. Everything was driving me crazy.
I can’t handle being around Jack so unwell. We always had an understanding that I needed my life to be a certain way for my own recovery.
And so Jack would stay other places or I would go out of town when he couldn’t be.
It’s hard not to hate the people who didn’t notice and let him stay when he was sick. It’s hard not to be resentful at myself that one of our last conversations was we begging him to go to the hospital that night. It’s hard not to hate waking up to my life as I knew it being over. It’s hard not to be angry at him for lying about what he was on, school, rugby, work, etc…
At least he was on the lease in CT. Basically the only way to break a lease is if someone dies.
Remember his actions. Sober Jack, recovery Jack, was and is wonderful. Despite everything he chose to keep going. To keep signing leases with me and paying me rent. Writing me letters. Taking care of our cat’s health issues. Making me meals and doing the grocery shopping. Little things that kept our home going. Boring shit he hated to think about.
I love those things. That made it a life. Kisses goodbye every morning when I left for work. Love notes on the fridge. Going to meetings together and holding hands.
Now I’m here. I have no idea what I’m doing.
I missed work the other day because I couldn’t stop crying.
I want to focus on all the good parts of our life.
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